


She Doesn't Love You

by YKWencest



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7142114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YKWencest/pseuds/YKWencest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tegan tries to talk Sara out of continuing a fruitless relationship with another woman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She Doesn't Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot I've worked on while trying to figure out exactly how to work out the next chapter of The Holler. I hope everyone enjoys. Let me know what you think.

“Bite your tongue, Tegan.”

That’s what you always say.

“Bite your tongue, Tegan. She’ll be gone soon. Just, don’t start anything that doesn’t have to be started, okay?”

But it’s not okay. I watch her. She treats you like shit. She treats you like the worst thing in the world, and you just blindly go along with it. Why? Why do you put up with it?

You used to tell me all the time that I was stupid for doing what you’re doing now.

“How fucking dumb can you be? Get out! She doesn’t love you. She loves the idea of you chasing her.”

Well how fucking dumb can you be? Get out! She doesn’t love you. She loves the idea of walking all over you.

She doesn’t love you.

I love you.

You remember how you used to tell me that all the time back then? How you used to say it after yelling at me for hours on end?

“She doesn’t love you, Tegan! She doesn’t.”

“I love you.”

You’re not happy. You can’t even pretend that you are. I see you all the time. All the time. I watch you when I’m over, and you send me pictures when I’m not. I know what it looks like when you’re happy. I know, because I’ve seen it. I’ve caused it.

I used to think that it was just a phrase, a smile reaching someone’s eyes. But I found out. I know now. Your smile doesn’t reach your eyes. Unless it’s just the two of us. Then I get scared that your face will rip in half.

Could you imagine that? Ha!

That doesn’t happen so much now.

Do you remember when you said, “Save the barking for the ocean?” That was so stupid. Not like, in a mean way, no. Stupid like, silly. Cute. You’re cute. You’re beautiful.

I listen to the old voice mails you left me. When we were younger. Before all the shit hit the fan, and after we got the mess all cleaned up. I forgot how in love we were back then. I’m surprised we never got caught, never got sent to jail. We were so obvious. We still are. I love it, though. All of those people that come and see us, all of the dark, formless blobs that stand beyond the edge of the stage we stand on, they love it. They eat it up. They don’t boo, they cheer.

If I say, “Sara looks good tonight,“ they explode. If I say, “I like girls like Sara,” they lose their minds. They don’t understand how real those feelings are, though. They don’t know that I actually believe those things. Or maybe they do? Our fans are smarter than we give them credit for, sometimes.

They know that we flirt a lot. They know we go out on dates when we can. They know these things, because they look for them. They see what they see, because they let themselves see.

Sometimes I wonder about them, though. I wonder which ones pretend to be okay with it, and which ones really are. You know that if it ever got out that we were together, people would flip. There would be the ones that are really into it, they’d be so happy for us. I know they would, because I know they are right now. They know we make each other happy, and that there’s no love in our life greater than the one we share. But there would also be people that condemn us. They would burn everything of ours and shun us. They would hate us, and the mere mention of our names would cause them to vomit up hatred in some sort of anger filled version of a gag reflex.

“Tegan, you’re rambling.”

I know that’s what you would say to me right now. “Tegan, you’re rambling. You started out with one subject and bounced around to more and more.”

I know it would all be in good fun. You never do anything to hurt me. Not anymore. I know you used to do it. We both did.

You remember that time you threw that trophy at me? And it took a chunk out of my leg? Or what about that time we were fighting and I pulled your shirt over your head and stood on you until you cried?

They’re not the best memories, but they’re ours. We have all of these memories together. Can you believe that? We made all of these instances between us that we both can look back on and think about whenever we want. You and me.

I think about you at night. When we can’t share a bed like we would really like to. I think about you until I finally fall asleep. I hope you do the same about me.

I know you do.

I know you do, because sometimes, whether we want to believe it or admit it, or not, we can feel what the other is feeling. We can think what the other is thinking. We’re the same.

You used to hate that. Remember? You used to hate that we were the same. You used to tell me to live my life like I was one person, not two. But you knew that wasn’t possible. You moved halfway across the country from me, and you never got to have that one life you wanted so badly. People would ask you about me and they would ask me about you. That’s just life, baby.

You remember the first time I called you that? Not, Sara, or Sasa. Baby. I do.

We were watching a movie. It was when we lived together for that short time. You remember that? We were watching a movie, I don’t remember which one (maybe you do). We were watching a movie, and it was getting late. You had to work the next day, I remember you saying that when we started the movie. We were laying on the couch. You were laying on top of me, and we had a blanket over us. I remember I kissed your head, and a few minutes later, you yawned.

And I said, “Do you wanna go to bed, baby?” I don’t even know why I called you that right then. I really don’t. It just came naturally to me. I must’ve thought about doing it a hundred times by then.

And you looked at me, with your eyes drooping in that cute way they do when you’re really sleepy (or drunk), and you said, “What did you just call me?”

And I looked at you all embarrassed for a second, and I said, “I uh… I called you… b-baby.”

And you said, “Do it again.”

She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t have any cute names for you like I do. Sasa. That’s mine. I hate when these women shove themselves into our life and try to use that name for you, too. I love it when you put them in their place. I know she tried to call you that once. I heard her when I was over, when you still lived in Montreal. She said it all mean and nasty like. Like she was making fun of me. Like she was saying the name was stupid without actually saying it. She thought you would laugh, but you didn’t. She called you that, and you went off on her.

“Don’t you ever call me that, you understand me? That is not some thing to just be throwing around like some sort of joke. That is Tegan’s name for me, and no one else gets to call me that. Are we clear?”

That was the first time after she started coming around that I actually felt like you loved me more. It was hard to believe that constantly. It was hard to believe that you loved me more than you loved her. But I know now. She kept you from me. She kept you from all of our family. She still does. Nobody understands that. They don’t see it. They don’t look for it, so it must not be there. I remember when you called me that one night after we fought. I was going to see mom, like I do sometimes, and I asked you if you wanted to come with me, and you said no. I yelled at you. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so loud so fast. Well… there are other times that you’ve made me that loud that fast, but that’s another story.

“You’re such a fucking stuck up bitch anymore, Sara. You don’t ever want to come with me to see mom, or dad, or any of our family. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you need to pull your head out of your fucking ass and come spend time with your goddamn family!”

You called me late that night. I think it was midnight. Maybe later.

You said, “Tegan, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been. I want to come with you to see mom, and dad, and everyone, I really do. But… she won’t let me. She rides my fucking case anytime I bring it up, and I’m so fucking sick of it. We go to see her family all the goddamn time, and I don’t even like half of them. The feeling’s mutual, I know. They hate me so much. But that’s why I don’t go with you. Because she won’t let me.”

I want you to be happy, Sara. I really do. I know that you’re only sort of happy at the moment. I know what that feels like, too. I’ve felt it all to much. I’m not like you. I can’t pretend to love someone else. I tried once, and I thought I had it down, but I was wrong. I love you. I only love you. There’s no one in the world I love more than you. I love you. And you love me.

When I get up tomorrow, I hope there will be happy news. I really, really hope. I don’t want to live with this wedge between us anymore. I don’t even know why we put ourselves through it. We’re gown women, we can live however we want and other people can eat it.

She doesn’t love you.

Goodnight, Sasa. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. We’ll go out tomorrow and spend the day together, just the two of us, okay?

She doesn’t love you.

 **I** love you.


End file.
